Email to David Thorne #12 *Explicit/Hostile*

Hello Asshole…I mean David,

I must admit that I have found it a tad bit infuriating that you have refused to respond to my emails.  Not to the point that I would try to find you and ritualistically murder you.  Presently I’m just passed the point of insulting you with images of your book and yourself in foul places.  That leaves me with writing you a nasty email depicting how infuriating you are.  The next stage involves a voodoo doll, a small bit of you, and pins.

I know you are quite busy “working” but I think I have given you ample time to respond.  And I have given your pathetic excuse of my emails being sent to another folder by an email filter some thought.  Either A) You are full of shit (most likely from a bull) and it was a lie  or B) You are an idiot for placing a filter on the email account you provided seeing as it is listed on your website as viable method to contact you.  What if for once it wasn’t someone attempting to slander your name (as I know you love) but perhaps an emergency requiring your most needed assistance?  Wouldn’t you agree that despite their name possibly being “Corey” (even though mine has no ‘e’) they deserve to be heard as well?

I found it interesting that despite all of my fantastic emails you didn’t respond to one until I insulted you.  Is that the way to get your attention?  Perhaps from the start I should have done everything I could to tarnish your name, whit, and receding hair line.  Reading into it further I wonder if that’s your “thing”.  Do you have your wife treat you like the bitch you are and slap you around?  Treat you as if you are a doormat?  Maybe even wear heels and step on your tiny…I mean miniscule jiggly bits?  To each his own I guess, I’m not one to judge.  I like having my lover(s) choke me while watching Antiques Roadshow and listening to Lamb Chops Sing Along.

Oh and in case you  actually get this email ASSHOLE!  I am attaching every single email I have sent to your lazy ass.  Enjoy fucktard!

With love,

Cory

Email 1:

Dear David,

I recently read your article about “Lifesize Lucius” and found it to be quite exquisite.  I know you may find this to display a lack of intellect on my part, but I love your work, you are a genius!  Anyway back to the reason I am emailing you.  I chose to attempt to take a path you did in the “Overdue Account” article (which is still in the works).  I offered a picture of a cat as payment for some late fees.  After cutting out my Lucius he very quickly became quite fond of the Cat I had drawn as payment for the late fees.  This is just a preliminary photo and I foresee the possibility that the two might have adventures together in the future.

Speaking of the future this reminds me of a time when I purchased a time machine from the internet.  I reviewed the site in great detail and their theories on quantum time mechanics seemed to be very sound.  I paid the initial cost of $79.99 and following that was to be 3 low installments of $49.99 billed over the next few months.  Upon receipt of the device I read it’s 2.5 pages of instructions very thoroughly.  In summary you merely plugged it in, placed the handlebar between your legs, and inserted the mouth guard.  Prior to this you adjusted the dials to the year, month, day, and time you wished to arrive at.  Then you pressed the single red button labeled “Убивать электрическим током” which the instruction manual said meant activate.

I followed every step to the letter.  I awoke after pressing the red button to find that instead of going to the past, specifically the year 1985 when Doc Brown invented his Delorean Time Machine, I had arrived several hours into the future and my genitals and insides of my legs were severely burned.  Confused and in immense pain, and not knowing what had happened I figured I could alleviate my pain by going into the past several hours and warning myself not to use the time machine.  Fortunately I realized I might just end up in the future several hours later again, and possibly in more pain so I aborted the attempt.

After several days in the hospital and many skin grafts later I contacted the website that I had purchased the time machine and demanded a full refund and informed them I would not be making the final 3 payments of $49.99.  They refused to give me my money back, and shortly thereafter their website vanished.  I was left minus my $79.99 and with what turns out to be a really good popcorn machine.

I digress.  I hope you find the photo to be entertaining, possibly even enough to send me a free T-shirt as per your offer and seeing as you have infinity of them.  I think a medium would work for me. 

(I’m in the United States as I'm sure you deduced)
My address is:
******

Thanks
Cory

Email 2:

Hi Dave,

I still have yet to hear from you in regards to my first email.  But I will fret not.  I assume you are probably busy traveling through time or out purchasing a robot, monkey, or possibly even a robot monkey.

That reminds me of a time when I was about 7 and I desired to be a robot so much that I began to move, talk, and act as a robot would.  I would move about the trailer my parents and I lived in moving with my arms and legs very straight.  I would walk about saying need input, DANGER Will Robinson DANGER, and Klaatu barada nikto (I know it wasn’t Gort that said this but if he had I think the movie would have been better).  It went on for a couple of days, I even went to the extreme to stop consuming water as it would cause me to rust and food seeing as I couldn’t process it.  Finally on the third day, very weak and fatigued, I decided to ingest half a bottle of 5w30 motor oil.  It was surprisingly tasty.

What came to be very distasteful was my ensuing hospital visit when my parents discovered my consumption of the motor oil.  They rushed me to the hospital where they shoved a tube down my throat in order to suck the contents of my stomach out and save my life.  I was kept in the hospital for the better part of a week for observation and forced to drink a very nasty chalky substance once or twice a day.  Looking back on this I am ashamed at how stupid I was to think a robot would be powered on oil, perhaps as a lubricant, but I should have ingested gasoline or even attempted to plug myself into a wall outlet.

Attached please find Day 2 of the journeys of Lucius and the cat I drew as a substitution for late fees.  You will find them in a vast mountainous area.  The cat I drew as a substitution for late fees is quite adventurous not only for spending so much time in close proximity to Lucius but also climbing that little hill wouldn’t you say?

I was also thinking about my request for a free T-shirt, seeing as you do have infinity of them feel free to send me half of the infinity.  I think if I have done my math correctly you will still have infinity left.

Thanks
Cory

Email 3:

Hi Davy,

Attached please find Day 3 of the journeys of Lucius and the cat I drew as a substitution for late fees.  You will find them on what looks to be a very relaxing beachfront.  As I stated previously the cat I drew as a substitution for late fees is quite adventurous, this time taking to the water on it's favorite orange water-surfboard.  It threw up right after Lucius finished changing into his princess speedo but I don't know if it was from having just licked itself, how gorgeous Lucius was, or it's excitement of getting to spend so much time with Lucius. 

The world will never know.  That is until cats develop a written & spoken language of their own that rivals that of humankind.  Unless they already have and they are either: 1) Biding their times until they take over or 2) They realized what a sweet deal they have just getting to lie around, lick themselves, get hand fed, and having their poo cleaned for them.

Still eagerly awaiting you response, especially in regards to the T-Shirts.  I think once you have given me half of your infinity I will take them and sell them for a bit more than you charge.  I'll say you wore them which is similar to a signature to some people.  Don't worry I'll give you a cut.  You can have what you charge for the shirts and I'll keep the excess from my price markup.  And not to worry, I plan to keep one for myself and wear it always.  Well most of the time, I will have to remove it to wash it to keep it from smelling.

Thanks
Cory

Email 4:

Dear Day Day,

It’s me again!  How are things?  Me you ask?  Oh I am just fine.  Just got done with lunch and am starting to question whether the booze I snuck into work in my stomach was such a good idea.  I wish that I could have resisted but the Raspberry Long Island Iced Tea from Medici’s is to die for.  I know that sounds crazy…dying for a beverage…but I think there are far more foolish things to die for.  Things like true love, family, or STD’s from having unprotected sex with numerous partners.

Speaking of dying did you know that when you fall down a bottomless pit you die of starvation?  I haven’t yet had the opportunity to put this fact to the test, but it seems pretty sound to me.  I was contemplating this while I was fighting off a Chimera this morning that came from an inter-dimensional vortex that opened up in my cube space.  Lucky for Brittany my coworker that it occurred right after she left our office to go brown nose, I mean run to the restroom.  I managed to slay the beast using a weapon fashioned from various sizes of paper clips, white out, and a post-it note.

You might ask what brought about my comments of bottomless pits.  Well as you will see attached is yet another photo of Lucius and the cat I drew as a substitution for late fees this time going sky diving!  They are quite adventurous!  I can’t imagine the feeling of falling for the hours it must take to reach earth when you jump from a plane. They even found friends this time.  I think they wanted to jump alone but seeing as this was their first time they had to be accompanied.

I had another thought about the half of an infinities worth of T-Shirts you will be sending me.  I think I might go ahead and sell my car and everything I own in order to put the money towards opening my own shop.  It will be title “David Thorne T-Shirts he Wore”.  I will sell your shirts as described in the previous email.  Not to worry I still plan to give you the cost of the normal shirt and I will keep the difference from the markup.  We will both be winners!  I think that I am making quite the following for you what with the cult religion I have started.  We can focus on that another time though.

Thanks

Cory

Email 5:

Dear Mr. Thorney,

Hello buddy!  Just your ever humble messenger of “The Word(s) of David”.  That is what I have titled the new cult following I brought about for you.  I know I am super fantastic!  The Word(s) of David or TW(s)D for short has an astounding 5 followers at the moment.  They include, me, myself, I, my cat, and the hobo that rummages through my garbage each week.  It involves reading your website from beginning to end, then from end to beginning each day.  It also requires 3 hours time spent on contemplation of the different abilities frogs could have and their uses in everyday life and medicine.  Once my copy of the book arrives I will read it in place of the website.  I have already made a place for it in my nightstand in my bedroom.  It will be like how you used to find a bible in the nightstands at shady hotels you went to sleep with prostitutes.  Sleeping with them in the hotel was best as you avoid your spouse discovering the two of you and going into a murderous rampage strangling the prostitute to death.  That has only happened to me twice.  Don’t worry, I learned my lesson.

Speaking of religion, check out the attached photo of Lucius and the cat I drew as a substitution for late fees.  They decided to take a day off from doing so many outdoors activities and visit a museum to learn a bit more about Lucius’ Native American heritage.  Check out the cat I drew as a substitution for late fees, it wore it’s rain dance boots, and Lucius wore his great great great great great great great grandmother’s traditional rain dance headdress.  I think they must be doing quite a rain dance as that is all it has been doing here where I live.  Granted I would gladly take a bit of rain over flooding or tornadoes as other areas of the United States have been faced with.

That reminds me.  I had another thought about the business I will be starting titled “David Thorne T-Shirts he Wore” selling your half an infinites worth of T-Shirts you will be giving me at a markup, giving you the difference of the value and my cut the markup.  I think the business could spread across the entire United States.  Wouldn’t that be something!?  If I have done my figures right it will be one of the top fortune 500 companies within 1.7 years.  Perhaps at that point we can start making major charitable donations to help sponsor a black boy.  I read about one somewhere (can’t remember where) but I think we could keep him from having to eat anymore rats with maggots.  I definitely would not like that!  Unless I was some kind of freak that enjoyed that sort of thing.  Or if I was myself a poor black boy and had no money, food, or non-maggoty rats.  But I am neither.

Thanks
Cory

Email 6:

Dear Thorn Bush,

Ouch…I pricked myself on your name.  It’s ok, I forgive you.  I know you would never do anything intentionally to harm me the greatest person in your life.  And if you did do anything intentionally to harm me that it would be for a reason you would eventually reveal to me.  Most likely a series of events would sprout from this which you have already foreseen the consequences of, what with your ability to travel through time.  I myself find time traveling overrated as you can imagine from one of my earlier emails.

Today is a sad day I’m afraid.  One of my coworkers I have become quite fond of is leaving today.  She has been sold into slave labor by her husband and children.  She will be forced to clean filthy retched places and do filthy retched things as you can imagine.  I’m sure you spoke with Lucius about his time in captivity and what he endured.  I imagine hers will be 1000 times worse.  She is such a kind and gentle soul, able to speak to animals and her tears have healing powers.  She will be dearly missed.  Especially when paper cuts occur and severely starving sasquatch attack and we have no way to communicate with them.

Our friends Lucius and the cat I drew as a substitution for late fees decided to visit a place that my coworker is quite fond of.  It is a Japanese garden in Ireland.  I know how odd.  They felt like going somewhere relaxing to reflect on how much they too will miss her.  As well as on the things they learned about Native American heritage from the museum.  The cat I drew as a substitution for late fees was very fond of the red bridge.  Lucius wasn’t so much, he seemed convinced a troll was going to grab him from under the bridge and pull him under.  Perhaps to do filthy and retched things to him.

I had some more thoughts about our business together.  I think it will now be more focused on chapels to spread TW(s)D with half of the chapel being devoted to selling the half an infinity of T-shirts you will be sending me any day now.  I know, my brilliance is astounding.  Oh stop!  In order to practice TW(s)D within the chapel your followers will be required to purchase a new T-shirt every time.  Even if they leave to go to their cars and come back.  Forget fortune 500 company, with this plan in no time the business will be the richest in the world.  You can take that to the bank, as soon as you send those T-shirts.

Thanks

Cory

Email 7:

Dear Davey Jones Locker,

Feels like that’s where I have been.  Hope my lack of emails didn’t worry you.  I was working in my workspace late last Thursday trying to abstain from crying over the loss of my coworker to slavery.  When suddenly that inter-dimensional vortex from earlier in the week re-opened.  I thought that matter could only travel in one direction through the vortex, boy was I wrong.  I found myself in a world where magic is real!  Exactly the same as that of the Harry Potter Books by J.K. Rowling.  I actually met Dumbledore and he told me that our two worlds exist side by side.  That Ms. Rowling was once the most powerful witch ever and decided to cross over to our world but to do so it cost her all of her magical powers.  So she started writing books about her life before.   The J.K. actually stands for Jundlaploo Kashinki.  I know funny name.

How did I get back you ask?  Well I set out over the next 4 days to become the most powerful wizard ever so as to have the power to return.  I managed to squeeze 120 years into those 4 days by using a Time-Turner and studying with Harry Potter himself.  He goes by HP for short and he’s taller than the books make him out.  Once I finally had enough power I cast a spell to return myself to the age I was upon leaving our world, I learned how to do that like 30 years ago.  Then I used every ounce of my power to create a vortex to bring me back.  Or so they thought.  I actually became far more powerful than any realized.  I plan to become the greatest magician ever!  Sure I may be able to dominate the cosmos but wouldn’t you rather please a bunch of crying 7 year olds at a birthday party?  I figure in addition to selling the half an infinities worth of T-Shirts you will be giving me and the TW(s)D religion we will also offer magician services for birthdays, get-togethers, and bachelor/bachelorette parties.

Speaking of parties, check out Lucius and the cat I sent as a substitution for late fees.  Do you know where they are?  They are in The Wizarding World of Harry Potter in Orlando, Florida.  Specifically this picture was taken of them riding The Flight of the Hippogryph.  It is quite the terrifying ride if you are a vegetarian or vegan, but seeing as our friends are dedicated meat eaters not to worry.  Their constant consumption of meats makes them strong, not only in body but in mind.  Sorry for the poor quality of the photo several factors contributed to this.  1) They were actually moving on the roller coaster.  2) My digital camera was stolen by a band of pirates.  3) This is actually a drawing I created with magic and wasn’t used to casting spells in our world.  The two had quite the time in Harry Potter world, so much so that they agreed on a name for the cat I sent as a substitution for late fees.  From this day forth the cat I sent as a substitution for late fees will be known as Barfelius.  Barfelius sounds regal, wizard-like, and shares the same ending as Lucius so is perfect wouldn’t you say?

Thanks

Cory

Email 8:

Dear David,

Someone brought to my attention your latest post Opinions are like nipples.  Very funny!  One thing that struck me as odd though, the date of your emails with Ella.  05/31/2011.  Interesting seeing as I have been sending you emails since 5/19/2011.  I your most dedicated fan, admirer, and co-owner in our future business.  You respond to that fat lard and not me.  I decided to let Lucius and Barfelius have a day to themselves out of the spotlight.  So that you, in a certain respect and your book can “shine” together.  It only took a second to decide what to do with your book and the photo of you I kept with me at all times.  I introduced them to a place my cats frequent numerous times a day.  I have attached a photo and I’m sure you will agree it is a very fitting place.

This reminds me of a time back in school when I wanted nothing more than to be friends with Trisha Reynolds.  I would say hi to her every time I saw her.  She usually would return the favor.  I even began to leave her anonymous gifts near an old abandoned house she passed on her way home from school.  I did this over the course of many months.  And I saw each day as she opened them from the bush I would hide in how delighted she was to get them.  I finally worked up the courage and one day as she opened her gift I approached her and told her it had been me the entire time.  She looked at me in utter disappointment and from what I can remember said she never wanted to see me again.  Things get hazy from there and I went to live in a special place with pillow-like walls and got to hug myself as much as I wanted.  I wish I could visit there but it’s gone, it caught fire and everyone died when I lost my memory.  But Trisha was never found, I wonder if she survived.

In the end I guess seeing as you will never be responding to me or sending me even one of the infinities worth of T-Shirts, we are finished.  There will be no magician work, religion, or business.  We could have had it all baby, we could have had it all.

Defeated,

Cory

Your (Bullshit) response:

Hello Cory,

Thank you for the email. Unfortunately, I know another Corey who is extremely annoying and I tagged anything containing the name Corey to automatically go to my 'Other stuff' folder. As I only check this folder when I need a favour from Corey (I need a desk carried upstairs), it was only by chance I saw your email. Thanks for the photo and I am sure Trisha is fine.

Regards, David

Email 9:

Hello David,

Well that explains it all.  You must really have a pathetic email filter though.  Seeing as the spelling of my name is Cory (notice no e) and your acquaintance Corey (notice with an e) is a bit different.  Perhaps if your email filter could look at the names next to each other it would have better luck.  Can you show this to the filter for me as I don’t want it misplacing emails from me any further:

CORY – Not ‘Other stuff’

COREY – Place in ‘Other stuff’

Or is it possible that your filter only looks at the first three characters in order to determine if it is in fact Corey and therefore needs to go to the ‘Other stuff’ folder.  I think you should check into this as soon as possible for if this is the case the following people will all go to your ‘Other stuff’ folder:  Cor, Cora, Coral, Coralie, Corazon, Cordelia, Coretta, Corinna, Corinne, Corliss, Cornelia, Cordis, Cordula, Corin, Corinthia, Corisande, Corona, Corvina, Cordell, Cornelius, Cornell, Cortez, Corbett, Corbin, Corbinian, Corcoran, Cordero, Corin, Corvin, Cormac, Cormick, Cork, Corliss, Cornwallis, Corridon, or Cort.

This aside, I hope you were able to retrieve my other emails for the ‘Other stuff’ folder.  I am very interested in your thoughts in regards to Lucius and Barfelius and our future business ventures.  To show my good faith and hope that you forgive me for what I did with your book and photo of you I have made certain to rectify the situation.  Please see the photo attached.

Sincerely,

Yorc

PS. It’s actually Cory I just didn’t want that filter to nab me again.

Email 10:

Dear David,

I must say you are very slow at responding to my emails.  I took a photo of a race between two turtles, your book, and the photo of you.  Not only are the turtles beating you, but your book which is inanimate is ahead too.  Or have you not seen my emails yet again due to your “filter” sending my emails to the ‘Other stuff’ folder?

Concerned,

Yorc

PS. It’s actually Cory again…just making certain the filter doesn’t nab me.

Email 11:

Dear David,

Y  o  u    a  r  e    s  o    v  e  r  y    s  l  o  w    m  y    f  r i  e  n  d.  I had hoped that by spacing it out and slowing it down for you you might be able to recognize your lack of proficiency when it comes to checking and responding to email.  Perhaps you already know how unbelievably slow you are thanks to my previous email of yourself, your book, and the turtles.  You still haven’t even finished the race in case you were wondering, nor your book.  Actually a search party was released to find you both but they still have yet to.  Where could you be?

Oh wait, what’s this?  It looks like our friends Lucius and Barfelius found you!  I told them about your lack of responses to my fabulous emails and the pathetic excuse you presented.  They were so frustrated at how you would treat your greatest admirer and their best friend that they decided to teach you a lesson.  They revived some of their gear from when they learned about Lucius’ Native American History and made a campfire.  If you will note as I know it might take you come time to “catch up” and comprehend what is happening, Lucius is burning your book.  It does pain me to see (don’t worry just in the top of my right foot) but I understand why he is doing it.  Barfelius you will note is taking a very large dump on your photo.  He ate a bunch of Taco Bell and boy did he have to go! 

Please send some Pepto Bismol if you have any…Barfelius really doesn’t feel well…now it’s just diarrhea all over your photo.  And it’s projectile…hit your book as Lucius dropped it. :(

How about you respond now dickwad!