Email to David Thorne #1

Dear David,

I recently read your article about “Lifesize Lucius” and found it to be quite exquisite.  I know you may find this to display a lack of intellect on my part, but I love your work, you are a genius!  Anyway back to the reason I am emailing you.  I chose to attempt to take a path you did in the “Overdue Account” article (which is still in the works).  I offered a picture of a cat as payment for some late fees.  After cutting out my Lucius he very quickly became quite fond of the Cat I had drawn as payment for the late fees.  This is just a preliminary photo and I foresee the possibility that the two might have adventures together in the future.

Speaking of the future this reminds me of a time when I purchased a time machine from the internet.  I reviewed the site in great detail and their theories on quantum time mechanics seemed to be very sound.  I paid the initial cost of $79.99 and following that was to be 3 low installments of $49.99 billed over the next few months.  Upon receipt of the device I read it’s 2.5 pages of instructions very thoroughly.  In summary you merely plugged it in, placed the handlebar between your legs, and inserted the mouth guard.  Prior to this you adjusted the dials to the year, month, day, and time you wished to arrive at.  Then you pressed the single red button labeled “Убивать электрическим током” which the instruction manual said meant activate.

I followed every step to the letter.  I awoke after pressing the red button to find that instead of going to the past, specifically the year 1985 when Doc Brown invented his Delorean Time Machine, I had arrived several hours into the future and my genitals and insides of my legs were severely burned.  Confused and in immense pain, and not knowing what had happened I figured I could alleviate my pain by going into the past several hours and warning myself not to use the time machine.  Fortunately I realized I might just end up in the future several hours later again, and possibly in more pain so I aborted the attempt.

 After several days in the hospital and many skin grafts later I contacted the website that I had purchased the time machine and demanded a full refund and informed them I would not be making the final 3 payments of $49.99.  They refused to give me my money back, and shortly thereafter their website vanished.  I was left minus my $79.99 and with what turns out to be a really good popcorn machine.

I digress.  I hope you find the photo to be entertaining, possibly even enough to send me a free T-shirt as per your offer and seeing as you have infinity of them.  I think a medium would work for me. 

(I’m in the United States as I'm sure you deduced)

My address is:

Readers I gave him my address but I was fearful of leaving it open to the public.  I would prefer only David stalk me rather than complete strangers.  Well...I take that back, you can too but you have to find me yourself. :)

Thanks

Cory