Angry Reader Gets a Taste of Me >=D

This is taken from the comments on a site I was looking at and I noticed a reader decided to be a bit harsh in regards to the entire site.  So I decided to offer my services (for free I might add) to help defend their "honor".  Here is a link to the actual page this all occurred on  or feel free to read below. HappyPlace Site

Email to David Thorne #12 *Explicit/Hostile*

Hello Asshole…I mean David,

I must admit that I have found it a tad bit infuriating that you have refused to respond to my emails.  Not to the point that I would try to find you and ritualistically murder you.  Presently I’m just passed the point of insulting you with images of your book and yourself in foul places.  That leaves me with writing you a nasty email depicting how infuriating you are.  The next stage involves a voodoo doll, a small bit of you, and pins.

Email to David Thorne #11

Dear David,

Y  o  u    a  r  e    s  o    v  e  r  y    s  l  o  w    m  y    f  r i  e  n  d.  I had hoped that by spacing it out and slowing it down for you you might be able to recognize your lack of proficiency when it comes to checking and responding to email.  Perhaps you already know how unbelievably slow you are thanks to my previous email of yourself, your book, and the turtles.  You still haven’t even finished the race in case you were wondering, nor your book.  Actually a search party was released to find you both but they still have yet to.  Where could you be?

Email to David Thorne #10

Dear David,

I must say you are very slow at responding to my emails.  I took a photo of a race between two turtles, your book, and the photo of you.  Not only are the turtles beating you, but your book which is inanimate is ahead too.  Or have you not seen my emails yet again due to your “filter” sending my emails to the ‘Other stuff’ folder?

Concerned,

Yorc

PS. It’s actually Cory again…just making certain the filter doesn’t nab me.

Email to David Thorne #9

Hello David,

Well that explains it all.  You must really have a pathetic email filter though.  Seeing as the spelling of my name is Cory (notice no e) and your acquaintance Corey (notice with an e) is a bit different.  Perhaps if your email filter could look at the names next to each other it would have better luck.  Can you show this to the filter for me as I don’t want it misplacing emails from me any further:

CORY – Not ‘Other stuff’

COREY – Place in ‘Other stuff’

Email FROM David Thorne #1

Hello Cory,

Thank you for the email. Unfortunately, I know another Corey who is extremely annoying and I tagged anything containing the name Corey to automatically go to my 'Other stuff' folder. As I only check this folder when I need a favour from Corey (I need a desk carried upstairs), it was only by chance I saw your email. Thanks for the photo and I am sure Trisha is fine.

Regards, David

Email to David Thorne #8

Dear David,

Someone brought to my attention your latest post Opinions are like nipples.  Very funny!  One thing that struck me as odd though, the date of your emails with Ella.  05/31/2011.  Interesting seeing as I have been sending you emails since 5/19/2011.  I your most dedicated fan, admirer, and co-owner in our future business.  You respond to that fat lard and not me.  I decided to let Lucius and Barfelius have a day to themselves out of the spotlight.  So that you, in a certain respect and your book can “shine” together.  It only took a second to decide what to do with your book and the photo of you I kept with me at all times.  I introduced them to a place my cats frequent numerous times a day.  I have attached a photo and I’m sure you will agree it is a very fitting place.

Email to David Thorne #7

Dear Davey Jones Locker,

Feels like that’s where I have been.  Hope my lack of emails didn’t worry you.  I was working in my workspace late last Thursday trying to abstain from crying over the loss of my coworker to slavery.  When suddenly that inter-dimensional vortex from earlier in the week re-opened.  I thought that matter could only travel in one direction through the vortex, boy was I wrong.  I found myself in a world where magic is real!  Exactly the same as that of the Harry Potter Books by J.K. Rowling.  I actually met Dumbledore and he told me that our two worlds exist side by side.  That Ms. Rowling was once the most powerful witch ever and decided to cross over to our world but to do so it cost her all of her magical powers.  So she started writing books about her life before.   The J.K. actually stands for Jundlaploo Kashinki.  I know funny name.

Interesting Person of the Day

Redneck (Wannabe Sheriff)

A man called me with quite the country accent.  He told me he had initially planned on taking his TSS near where he lives but discovered there were additional fees (which the form tells you when you sign up).  So he wanted to take his TSS back in my county instead.  I told him that since it had been more than 45 days since we sent his first letter he would have to pay $25 to take it back in my county.

Email to David Thorne #6

Dear Thorn Bush,

Ouch…I pricked myself on your name.  It’s ok, I forgive you.  I know you would never do anything intentionally to harm me the greatest person in your life.  And if you did do anything intentionally to harm me that it would be for a reason you would eventually reveal to me.  Most likely a series of events would sprout from this which you have already foreseen the consequences of, what with your ability to travel through time.  I myself find time traveling overrated as you can imagine from one of my earlier emails.

Interesting Person of the Day

As you may or may not know I work for a Traffic Safety School (TSS) for the county I live in.  I decided after the woman I spoke with today that their stories deserve to be told...in only the way I can.  So without further adieu the first of many:

Blind Woman Driving

Email to David Thorne #5

Dear Mr. Thorney,

Hello buddy!  Just your ever humble messenger of “The Word(s) of David”.  That is what I have titled the new cult following I brought about for you.  I know I am super fantastic!  The Word(s) of David or TW(s)D for short has an astounding 5 followers at the moment.  They include, me, myself, I, my cat, and the hobo that rummages through my garbage each week.  It involves reading your website from beginning to end, then from end to beginning each day.  It also requires 3 hours time spent on contemplation of the different abilities frogs could have and their uses in everyday life and medicine.  Once my copy of the book arrives I will read it in place of the website.  I have already made a place for it in my nightstand in my bedroom.  It will be like how you used to find a bible in the nightstands at shady hotels you went to sleep with prostitutes.  Sleeping with them in the hotel was best as you avoid your spouse discovering the two of you and going into a murderous rampage strangling the prostitute to death.  That has only happened to me twice.  Don’t worry, I learned my lesson.

Email to David Thorne #4

Dear Day Day,

It’s me again!  How are things?  Me you ask?  Oh I am just fine.  Just got done with lunch and am starting to question whether the booze I snuck into work in my stomach was such a good idea.  I wish that I could have resisted but the Raspberry Long Island Iced Tea from Medici’s is to die for.  I know that sounds crazy…dying for a beverage…but I think there are far more foolish things to die for.  Things like true love, family, or STD’s from having unprotected sex with numerous partners.

Email to David Thorne #3

Hi Davy,

Attached please find Day 3 of the journeys of Lucius and the cat I drew as a substitution for late fees.  You will find them on what looks to be a very relaxing beachfront.  As I stated previously the cat I drew as a substitution for late fees is quite adventurous, this time taking to the water on it's favorite orange water-surfboard.  It threw up right after Lucius finished changing into his princess speedo but I don't know if it was from having just licked itself, how gorgeous Lucius was, or it's excitement of getting to spend so much time with Lucius.

Email to David Thorne #2

Hi Dave,

I still have yet to hear from you in regards to my first email.  But I will fret not.  I assume you are probably busy traveling through time or out purchasing a robot, monkey, or possibly even a robot monkey.

Email to David Thorne #1

Dear David,

I recently read your article about “Lifesize Lucius” and found it to be quite exquisite.  I know you may find this to display a lack of intellect on my part, but I love your work, you are a genius!  Anyway back to the reason I am emailing you.  I chose to attempt to take a path you did in the “Overdue Account” article (which is still in the works).  I offered a picture of a cat as payment for some late fees.  After cutting out my Lucius he very quickly became quite fond of the Cat I had drawn as payment for the late fees.  This is just a preliminary photo and I foresee the possibility that the two might have adventures together in the future.

TextBooksRUS.com Late Fees Refund Attempt

From: Cory Dawson

To: Textbooksrus.com
Subject: Late Fees
Date: Monday, May 16, 2011, 10:47 AM

Hello,

I am writing in regards to the late fees I was assessed on the two books I have rented from you.  I didn’t realize they were due back on 5/11/2011.  I actually still had classes until 5/12/2011 as that is when my finals ended.  I still needed my books until then to study for them.  I was wondering if there was any way the fees could be refunded.

Thanks

Cory

Why the Name?

Why name it Fuchsia Belt in Bitch-Slap?  WHY NOT!? Anyway seriously speaking.  The reason I chose it is because it is absolutely hilarious!  Especially when you know where it came from.  One of my former supervisors Aaron Wherlee (I don't know if I spelled it right) at GKC Parkway Cinemas said it to a coworker at the time.  The coworker's name was Drew.  Drew was way gay....as in haaay!  Despite it being obvious Drew would deny the fact, his #1 line being "As much as you wish...I'm not!".  Well one day Drew was being sassy and thought he would best Aaron by making some joke at Aaron's expense.  When he did so Aaron responded "Don't make me bust out my fuchsia belt in bitch-slap Drew". (He even included a lisp for good measure)  It was the funniest thing ever, and Drew merely shut his mouth and imagined what it would be like to be Hilary Duff in Cinderella Story. 

So there you have it.  Aaron I promise that if one day this blog ever brings me great fortune and success I will give you a cut.  Possibly.  Just kidding...but seriously.

Day 1

Hello,

I am starting a blog!  I foresee this blog becoming...well anything I want because I am it's Lord/Creator.  One of the first orders of business I think will be to soon compile and post my most recent and still ongoing attempt to reclaim late fees I was assessed by a book rental company.  Stay tuned!

Cory